Looking around, wandering, you tend to see your desires more than anything else. The only thing I really desire right now is that one person who’d make all of this suffering go away. Being much closed and having major trust issue because of the horrendous past experiences doesn’t really make it easy at all. I see many around me happy with the trust they receive from their friends, boyfriends, girlfriends or cousins for that matter. Well, am I jealous? Probably a little bit. But it just makes me happy knowing someone out there is happy in their tiny little World.
I’ve lived for 19 years now hoping, everyday, that the next day will be better. Hoping the next day would be meant for me. Hoping the next day will bring more joy than ever. Hoping I’d meet somebody with whom I’d survive. But what really happens is the pain increases hour by hour, day by day. Hope without love is hopeless. Hoping onto something impossible just means giving up. I have given up on finding that right person who’d sit by the lake alongside and just listen to the water hitting the rocks, the right person with whom I’d feel really safe in the most scary place possible, the right person who’ll stroke me off to sleep, the right person who could just sleep off with my shoulder as the pillow anytime, the right person with whom I’d have a chilled beer anytime of the day, the right person who I can trust deeply.
If you’re mistaken, I do not ask for a relationship. I ask for that one true friend who’d be there anytime. I’m just genuinely done not having anything real in life. I want the real deal. Fake friends, fake smiles, fake behaviour, fake love, just want to get done with it already. I thought I’d never mention examples in my blog but this one is worth it. These 2 classmates started off as classmates, as friends and now what they have is truly magical. The selfless love that they share is just so beautiful on its own. (He even made a video for her).
Never have I got any chance to experience the actual feeling, friends would probably blame how my heart is forever shut and how I always miss the possibilities and chances of being close to the real person. Sometimes you want to fuck everything and be by yourself and not talk to anyone but sometimes you’d rather sit with someone else quietly and just think at the same frequency.
I’m slowly hitting rock bottom and all the confessions and the truths are going to come out one day and that day will be a wildfire and let’s just hope that never happens and till then I shall try to get back on my feet and look and open thy cold stone heart.
Niharika Gulati 